This is the old blog that I mention in the NEW blog I'm posting. Please note the date. Also, it would make more sense (if you want to read them) to read the new one FIRST, as strange as that sounds.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
What does inspiration look like?
I feel like in Reno I was surrounded by genuine people who were constantly inspiring. I had role models EVERYWHERE. Almost every place I spent my time (school, friends, work, professors, church etc. etc.) there was someone who I could look up to, had attributes that I aspired to have, who was successful in a way that I desired to be successful. By spending time with all of these people all the time, I could almost "formulate" the kind of person I want to be when I "grow up." I've been in Spokane for a long time. Honestly, it's been 9 months. I feel like I should MOVE ON. I should just get over it and accept the fact that I'm not in Reno anymore. I'm not surrounded by these people anymore. But I feel like..... I feel like if I let go of that, let go of all the experiences that taught me so much, that I will forget what that looked like. Love, success, desire, drive, HUMANITY.
I know I've said it before. But I feel like no one will EVER understand what it is like in law school. It's gotten better. I've learned to handle the stress, and laugh and smile while I'm in that horrible building. I don't feel so oppressed anymore, and I've learned the people who I need to tune out when they start speaking or else I will just want to stab my eyes out. But it is still the most negative environment I've been in, in my entire life.
There are no role models. I mean, I have professors that I enjoy learning from, and I appreciate their wisdom. But they don't CHALLENGE me. They don't inspire my heart to affect change. The entire purpose of this "school" is to figure out the best way to .... get ahead. I guess. Which is FINE. Getting ahead is important. Especially with the amount of student loans they require you to take out (Geez). The difference is they are teaching us how to get ahead at the expense of just about everyone else. I mean maybe not everyone feels this way. And maybe it's because of my family history and the experiences I had growing up. But I feel like it's all about the money, all about selfishness, all about throwing anyone under the bus if it puts you above the curve, and everyone just "fakes it" and pretends that GU is a great school for public interest and community service. (I feel like I should say here that I don't mean any of this directed at the school's people in charge of our "image" or GPILP. I just mean that GU prides itself on this commitment, but a lot of the students I know are more concerned about their daddy's credit cards and their own inheritance than the less fortunate around them.)
Law school is just not the right environment for that kind (the inspirational and compassionate kind) of attitude. I had professors at UNR that gave me passion,that inspired me, that made me question the entire function of the world and gave me desire to CHANGE the horrible misdeeds that go on every day. To protect those who are broken, to save those who are lost, and give rights to people who could never even dream of voting, or walking alone outside, or speak without being spoken to. This is not a religious thing. Yes, I believe that Jesus calls on us to do these things and he has a huge desire for everyone to know what love is. But right now, I am speaking on a humanity level. I need to be surrounded by people who have a desire to affect humanity. It's like people go through each day not realizing that there are girls in the world who have never been to school, children who have never read a book, orphans who live IN THIS COUNTRY with no one to love them. How recent was it that women could not even VOTE? And here we are with a woman running for president, but all anyone can say is that she's not female enough, then she shows some emotion and now she's too unstable to run our country????? I don't care what your political affiliation is; it is an exciting time to see race and gender barriers being broken in this country.
Right this second, this very second, women in the US make 70 cents to the dollar that men make. We are not oppressed, but we are not treated fairly. And think, if we are not treated fairly, just think of those women in Africa, China, the Middle East, the small island countries stricken with poverty, those who cannot even express their feelings on something simple like their MARRIAGE. Why doesn't anyone care about this? Why doesn't anyone realize how blessed and lucky we are to have the opportunity to go to school, to hold a book, to go to the polling place and express our opinions, to drive cars, to walk down the street alone without fear of punishment or abduction?
What about the children? What about the babies born with AIDS? What about the infants whose mothers are so malnourished that they die of starvation after days of life because there just isn't any milk in their mothers' bodies? What about them? I ate my salad and pasta for lunch this afternoon that cost... I dunno, 5 dollars, to make last night. And we have left-overs for both of us to eat for probably 3-4 days. What about the women who work for a quarter a day to pay for the grain they need to feed their children? Alone. Because their husbands have long died of war, famine or disease? What about them? Imagine if someone gave them 5 dollars? What if we took the $4.16 Starbucks charges for a GRANDE WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA and mailed it to a widow in Africa. What do you think she would do? Could you imagine the joy in her face? What about your street? What about the homeless person that sits on the corner next to where you are enjoying that blissful coffee. What if they had those four dollars? Granted, there is a good chance they'd spend it on drugs or alcohol or WHATEVER. But so-freaking-what. If I was stranded, homeless, cold and alone I can't guarantee I wouldn't buy a coffee if someone handed me 5 bucks.
It is unacceptable to me. Completely unacceptable to see the damage people are willing to cause to get ahead. To succeed against all the people around them with a total disregard for the consequences. What about our soldiers? What about Todd who has been in Iraq for months, and who won't see his wife, my best friend, until April? What about Stacy's sister and brother in law who did consecutive tours in Iraq, one after the other, and didn't see each other again till just recently. What about them? Who is walking up them and saying "Thank you. Thank you for fighting for our freedom."
I don't know. I'm just looking for inspiration. Someone else to get fired up and LOOK. Open their eyes. And see the world around them. God has created this beautiful earth. People with beautiful hearts. I can't believe that I will spend the next two years and 3 months of my life in Spokane, surrounded by people who are 100% oblivious to the HUMANITY that the entire world needs to see. But it's really hard to let go of Reno, the last place I was truly inspired to live, to change, to work toward the betterment of someone else, when I'm here. There has to be passionate people here, I understand that. I just haven't FOUND any.
I don't regret coming to law school. I am happy I am doing this and I KNOW this is where I'm supposed to be. I am so so so thankful for this amazing opportunity and I know that after this I will be so much more prepared to affect change, to maybe, just maybe, inspire others, and to be successful without the expense of throwing everyone I come across under the bus. To be honest, I forget I'm even here. I am so busy and so ... owned by my planner... that I am on autopilot most days. But I'm here, and I'm not quitting now. But sometimes I wonder.... What about everyone else? I've been given this great gift and what am I doing with it?
Basically, I'm lacking inspiration. I feel like I have always had passion that was equaled or exceeded by the people around me. And here I am, full of passion and desire and drive and emotions and humanity, but I have yet to find anyone in this town, school, state, that feels the same. It makes me feel empty sometimes. Which is a really Debbie-downer thing to say to people. But it's true. It's hard to stay motivated and inspired when you feel like no one else around you even CARES.
What does inspiration look like in your life? Who inspires you? And what are you doing about it? I really want to know. Don't let it go to waste, don't forget whatever it is that gives you drive to keep succeeding, keep trying, to keep LIVING.