My prayer.

It's late, and I should be asleep... but I'm just not ready. ha. 

A new work week starts tomorrow, and I have a few huge things to accomplish.

I'm working on praying, and then LISTENING. I've got the prayer part down,

but I fear my faith is lacking in my response. So, I'm here, God. I'm listening. Show me your ways.

Proverbs 4:20-27

My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh. Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you. Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet, then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left, turn your foot away from evil.

<3 

When Matters of the Heart Get Scary

I have this method when I first start dating or liking a guy, to decide if he's the one.

I pray about it.

[x]

I say, "God, if he is not the one, please take these feelings away. Please make me not attracted to him. Please take away this urge to spend time with this man, if this isn't your will."

[magic]

And you know what happens? Like magic (or like God is so able to do), they are gone. This happens even when I actually WANT those feelings. I just have to let go and trust that God will do what he has planned. It gets kind of annoying sometimes, haha.

Sometimes it is instantly. Other times I wake up the next morning and have no desire to even talk to that man. It has never taken God more than 24 hours to guard my heart and allow me to walk away. Of course, if the man is persistent and comes around I'll start to wonder... but then I pray that prayer and it's gone again.

However... I've been praying this prayer for a MONTH about a person. Four weeks. And two of those he wasn't even in this country so it's not that I'm being distracted.  They just aren't going away. They aren't even diminishing.  I am praying the version I quoted above, as well as more verbose prayers asking Him to guard my heart, to take away the distraction, and to take away these day dreams I keep having. Then I pray that He will take away the butterflies, and the nervousness, and the incredible way he makes me laugh. Just take it all away. ... Nothing.

And the scariest part is that when I'm praying, or worshiping, or reading my bible/other Christian-y books... they get stronger.

I've stayed in relationships that were unhealthy in the past. While in those relationships I still felt convicted, whether I was praying or not. I would go to church, read my bible or talk to someone, and in my heart I'd feel like something wasn't right. This relationship wasn't right. I need to get out, and quickly. I would ignore that advice from the Spirit, obviously, but I would FEEL it. ... I don't feel it here. I feel the opposite.

And it is terrifying me. Thankfully, based on some other circumstances, I set boundaries very early on. It's allowing me time and space to deal with this emotion before any sort of actual relationship, or physical contact happens... if it ever happens.

So, I will keep praying and try to listen. Because right now I've been too afraid to listen, and instead I'm just whining "This can't be right. You're missing something. You were supposed to take these feelings away WEEKS ago, God!"

ugh. If only God would shoot me an email and tell me what's up. It'd make following Jesus a lot easier! (Although if he's saying to stop fighting these feelings, that would still be just as scary.)

Ex # 2

If you guys remember, I was contacted by Ex # 2 and invited to get coffee when I was home.  To give you some background, I haven't seen or spoken to him for over 4 and a half years. Nothing. Not a word. I didn't know his phone number, email, or where he was even living.

Then I got that random email.  It was SO bizarre.  He and I dated for a year and it was a roller coaster of a relationship.  I hadn't planned to actually take him up on his offer.  Due to some circumstances when I arrived in Vegas, I agreed to meet up with him for a drink, with my sister and her friend. I envisioned this being like an hour long, one drink, home by 10:30. So my sister and I got ready and headed out.

 

That's not what happened. We ended up having a BLAST. We were at the casino until 2:30 in the morning when my sister, the designated driver (it was her turn), drove me and her friend home, and I told them a million things I wouldn't have said if the world hadn't discovered tequila. Geez.

In any case, this has made me remember a lot about what our relationship was like.  It was super passionate. That's the only adjective I can use. We had an incredibly fun time together, but we also fought like you wouldn't believe. We would go on crazy, spontaneous adventures with no notice and no plan and just love life.  Then, I'd make him mad over NOTHING and we'd break up. It was rough and we were kids (19) and I was positive we were in love.

So to see him again, after all of that... was just so bizarre. I still don't think it has really sunk in.  I thought that he forgot I even existed, since it had been so long. Anyway, I found some old pictures to compare to the new ones and maybe you'll see the difference between us.

Then:

Now:

And for the record, he apologized the first time we were alone on Thursday night, for being so terrible. And he's apologized more than once since then. It's always nice to hear about a man who learned from his mistakes. It is interesting to hear what he's done since our relationship ended, and how he has treated women after losing me. Overall, I'm glad we met up. It was a lot of good closure for the bad memories, and a reminder of what it was like to be 19 and carefree. haha

Lance Bass

I have mentioned a few times that I met Lance Bass from N Sync many years ago, at a Tim McGraw concert. I couldn't find the picture ANYWHERE.

Well some events from this weekend lead me to search through my old livejournal and photobucket. Guess what I found?!?!

It was a surprise that I was going to the concert so I was in my plane clothes (a UNR sweater) and didn't have any makeup on. I was so nervous that I was shaking and he was rubbing my back. That did the EXACT opposite of calming me down. haha

I think I would have been 18 here. This just cracks me up.

Baking is Fun!

On Saturday night I got the urge to bake.  I don't know what you call "nesting" when you're single, but I think I'm experiencing that.

I've made cookies from scratch ONCE. They were chocolate chip cookies.  It took forever, but they turned out pretty good.  It was when I lived in an apartment without a dishwasher, though.  So that sucked.

So after church Sunday I went to Walmart (UGH) and bought the ingredients for sugar cookies, as well as cookie cutters and a roller. I got the recipe here.  I decided to try to frost them and give them to people at work and maybe my upstairs neighbor.  I went full out, I even made and colored the frosting from scratch.

A long, long trip at Walmart was required to get all of the necessary ingrediants (I saw a man with the most amazing mullet I've ever seen. This place is like a living Hell).  I had to buy everything, including flour. I purchased cutesy bags and ribbons to give them away in.

Despite how difficult this all was, there was only one egg casualty (I have no idea how that happened, btw).  Also, rolling dough is a lot harder than I realized.  After a few tries, I gave up and put the dough back in the fridge.  An hour or so later I figured it out (read: looked it up on youtube) and began the cookie cutting.  Then I discovered I needed to get the dough UP after I cut it out.  This is super complicated!

Finally, hours later, the cookies were finished and I could start frosting.  I had to wait to make the frosting because I only own one mixing bowl. haha  I'm clearly not going to win any points for presentation at a Food Network Challenge, but they were actually good!! I couldn't believe it!

And me, after many hours of baking in between three different trips to church and a devastating Cowboys loss. This was taken at midnight. I very quickly passed out after this picture was taken and the kitchen was cleaned.

The cookies were a huge hit. I couldn't believe it! ANNNDDDDDD I didn't even burn the first batch! So there goes #39 on my 101! yay! I also just realized I have a few more to cross off there, so I'll get to that later this week. 

I wish I could send a cookie to all of you!

What Did I Do To Deserve THIS?

After I wrote my post about The Holiday I ended up making myself some hot chocolate.  I, of course, actually wanted wine. I found a hot chocolate kit (labeled for two - way to rub salt in the wound) my Mom put in all of our stockings at Christmas. It wasn't expired so I opened it up and enjoyed its deliciousness. Then, I got this comment from Amber, which cracked me up:

It made me laugh because I actually do have an unofficial wine policy. I always have a bottle in the fridge. The problem is that I had enjoyed a glass of wine during Grey's anatomy on Thursday night. I had PLANNED to have that wine left for the weekend. Then, I woke up to find wine EVERYWHERE. I, once again, put my wine stopper in AFTER I had finished drinking. This would make the second time this summer that I did not put the stopper in properly, only to wake up to a veggie drawer full of white wine. Lovely.

THEN, I got PS I Love You in the mail from Netflix. I was warned that there was no way I'd survive this movie without wine. So, a quick run to Raley's replenished my wine supply. ... And then, the unthinkable happened. I couldn't open it. I thought of calling "New Friend" (he's still useful for some things - like when I need manly muscles) to open it up. THEN the corkscrew broke. In the cork. It was horrible.

And let me tell you, friends, desperate times call for desperate measures:

(Please ignore my messy mail.)

I eventually got it, and enjoyed my lovely glass of wine (after scooping out the pieces of cork). I plan to purchase an upgraded corkscrew soon enough. There's a cute kitchen store by my work. 

In short, the wine gods are fighting against me this weekend - and I'm not sure what I did to deserve it.

ha.

The Holiday

Tonight, a terrible thing happened to me.

I was channel surfing, minutes away from turning off the TV and reading a book, and instead I came across The Holiday.

This movie makes me the most ridiculous, sappy, sad, single-hating, lovey-dovey, want to curl up in front of a fireplace with some hot chocolate and a cuddly man, mess.

[x]

So, what did I do?

Ordered a pizza to be delivered and got comfortable. Myself, alone, single, and wine-less.

This can only end badly. Especially with my recent predicament in having feelings I'm trying to avoid for someone.  Luckily for my decision making skills he is out of town on a long vacation.  Instead, I'll just be a sappy mess by myself under my snuggly blanket. In fact, I might make my own hot chocolate. That's probably better to drink alone, anyway.

[x]

Non-Date

I just went on a non-date.


And as I was turning onto my street a song came on. You might know it. These are the words:

"And I surrender, all to you
all to you."

It also says:

"And all the world holds dear,
I count it all as loss."


I'm working on it, Lord...

"I'm giving You my heart,
all that is within.
I lay it all down,
for the sake of You my King.
I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights,
I'm giving up my pride,
for the promise of new life.


And I surrender, all to You,
all to You."


... Really trying, Lord.

The song can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuTdeMng_co&ob=av2e

Best Friends

It's Official. 

My two best friends now have blogs :).


Stacy just started hers. You can visit her here. Her layout is super pretty too, btw.

And of course, you have all been linked to Mrs. S a million times :).

Just thought you all needed to know! :D

What Do I Know?

This song was played at church on Sunday and I can't get over how amazing it is. I downloaded the whole CD last night before bed and realized I love quite a few of their songs already! It's just really eye opening to think about. What do I know? I know what I want right now, today, this instant... but God knows what I need forever. So, I will wait on him as painful as that sometimes feels (like last night, when I told a really nice guy, that I do like, that I can't date him because he doesn't love Jesus).

Also, I am watching the coverage of the miner-rescuse happening in Chile. I'm not sure I would care so much if I haven't come to know and care about a lot of men, their wives, and families here who work in the mines in Small Town. It is giving me chills every time they bring a man up. Seeing the looks on their wives (and the first man's son) faces just wrenches at my heart. Wow.

God is good.

PS. I changed the blog look. Hope you like it. I don't plan to keep that banner forever, just long enough to come up with something clever, haha.

The Parade of the Exes

I'm currently trying to live intentionally single. I've been reading my bible, making new friends, blah blah blah.

And I think this put a big bright light over my head, flashing for Satan to distract me. I don't want to settle any more. But my exes are on a mission to make me want their attention again. And when I say exes I'm talking "all the way back to high school" exes.

Ex #1 - The first love: "God wants us to be together. I have always loved you and I will always love you. If we were in the same city, you'd know I have changed and you would want to be with me. Things would be different if we were in the same place."

Yea...because that's how God works. He tells you "you should be with this person, but not right now because they live 6 hours away." Whatever.

Ex #2 - The first college boyfriend/AKA the guy who convinced me to stop waiting until marriage: "I was watching Law & Order and suddenly i thought of you so I googled you to see if you are a hot shot yet.  Give me a buzz or text me when u have a chance, I kind of wanna catch up. My number is [phone number]."

I "gave him a buzz." He suggested we meet for coffee when I'm in Vegas.

Ex #3 - The one who I thought was a good guy, but is actually a skeeze: (ran into him in Reno when I was there last) "It was really nice seeing you even if it was for a moment. I hope we can make it more than that later though... you looked really great tonight btw :)." To which I told him I wasn't looking for more than just a friendship and he said, "I know you think that I'm not really a great guy with how I've been with you. But if you were here in town I know things would be different." He then made many promises to spend time getting to know me now that I'm back in Small Town, which is only 4 hours away from him, and maybe one day we could date.

I left Reno the next day and didn't hear from him for a week. Very sincere.

Ex #4 - The asshole: It's not even worth writing what he sent me, but it's not begging for me to fall back in love with him, so I suppose it's not really relevant anyway.

Ex #5 - The Ego-Maniac: Weeks ago: "You want my sexy body." Me: "No, I don't."

Random Text Today: "Hey stuck up! Congrats on passing! Just cause you're someone now doesn't mean you can ignore people :P." I asked who I was ignoring, and he said him. I told him I didn't know he cared, he said "Dick move! Really you didn't know I CARED! What do you take me for a self-centered asshole? Of course I care!"

After texting like normal people he threw in:
Him: "So you're denying you want my sexy body?" Me: "Yes, I am. Sorry. haha" Then he proceeded to tell me how he liked cuddling with me and got the impression I didn't want anything so that's why he didn't text me after the last time we hung out, and not because I wouldn't have sex with him. Yea right.


Why are they all coming out of the woodwork?? What did I do to deserve this? haha This is all seriously in the last three or so weeks.

The Reality of the Situation

Well... I guess I need a new catchphrase for my blog. Ha.

I've had a rollercoaster of emotion this week. The whole first half was just a downward spiral of stress. Getting my results was the most surreal and amazing experience of my life. Coming home to 54 emails of congratulations was incredible.

Now... what? I'm excited to be able to focus fully on my job, and that I won't have to spend this winter buried under Bar/Bri books. I want to eventually take the CA bar, but I just can't do it right now (which was my original plan). First of all, I'm STILL mentally exhausted. Second of all, it's expensive.

So, here I am. I've been busy with new friends, church and prioritizing myself and my life over putting time into toxic relationships. I've been listening to the Lord, and even last night - getting mad at him. We'll see where he wants me and what he wants me to do.

For today, it is rainy and gloomy and reminds me of Spokane in a good way. I'm going to go blow dry my hair (yes, it's still in a towel), grab a book and my bible, and snuggle myself up on a couch at Starbucks.

I've become a Gold Card Member. Seriously. And that is only since May 2010. Remember that time I told you I'd write a whole blog post about how much coffee I consumed during bar prep? That's still coming. And so is a fancy gold card from Starbucks, complete with my NAME on it.

I hope you all have an incredible and relaxing weekend.

Finally on the Internet Today...

The News...

I PASSED!!!!!

That's still about all I can manage, and we found out 6 hours ago. I am in complete shock. I had two margaritas at dinner and came home to a facebook full of congratulations. How. Bizarre!

Panic

So... I have another post started on my cell phone about how I don't fit in in Small Town (it's a little stuck up, but whatev.). Unfortunately I can't get it to post, so until I get that, you get this:

My panic.

I blogged about freaking out re: studying so I guess this is OK. I am a TOTAL freak-case right now. I don't know if anyone has ever used that phrase before, it's a first for me, but it's very accurate. I can't help it. I can go about 30 minutes working before I spend an hour thinking about results. It is completely useless. You'd think it was march madness bracket time with how very low my productivity is right now.


I have no idea how I did. I have no idea what my reaction will be either way. I'm tempted to leave my phone at home tomorrow but I know my family will be freaking out if I don't contact them, so I have to take it.

I also sent a mass text to all my internet using family (meaning not my dad, grandpa or great grandma) giving them the link for results and telling them not to talk to me about it again. ha.

All I want right now is to change into sweats, open up my bottle of wine in the fridge, and put on a movie. Watching movies is rather unlike me, but that's about all that I feel like I can successfully manage right now. ugh.  How has anyone survived this wait?!?!

Disappointment

I've been disappointed by a few people today.

One person who has been semi-pursuing me left out a very important detail about his life.

Another person had plans with me, and cancelled them without a second thought.


I had a good day, but kind of a rough night. :-/ But I guess that's just how it goes some times.

Miscellany Monday #1

This is my first Miscellany Monday!

1. I'm on my lunch break. This morning I threw beef and veggies I chopped up and prepared last night into the crockpot. It took me 3 minutes to throw everything in and mix up the seasonings. Right now my house smells beyond delicious but the stew won't be ready until 5. So, I had frozen taquitos and salad for lunch. It was almost painful.

2. The Roommate Situation is becoming a reality tomorrow. After much poking and prodding and waiting around for no reason, our communication has equaled out, rent has been paid, and keys have been exchanged! I hope the next few months go more smoothly. I'm excited to have someone around, although I imagine it will be an adjustment after living alone for many years now.

3. I am re-addicted to coffee.  After I got sick I went WEEKS without coffee. If I had one I didn't finish it and it was in the middle of the afternoon to get through the rest of the work day, or at the beach with my family. I went one morning last week after the doctor told me the coffee was NOT causing my panic attacks.

I've been every single morning since then, including Saturday and Sunday. It's a problem. It's also expensive. I need to go to the store and buy creamer so I can start making it at home again. I didn't know how bad my addiction was until it took one cup to bring me right back to square one. I'm still drinking 8 glasses of water though, so hopefully that's keeping me healthy.

4. I had my usual Sunday conversation with my Dad last night. He calls every Sunday and I LOVE it. He said I sound happier than I've sounded since I move here. He said he'd call me on Thursday, which stopped my heart for a second. Someone's really going to tell me if I pass of fail. UGH. He believes I passed, but I do not. We'll see.

5. I became a member of the church I've been going to in Small Town this weekend! It required that I go to a two hour class last night. I'm glad I went. They laid out everything they believe, where the tithe money goes, and break down a plan on how to grow as a Christian. Now I am allowed to volunteer and serve. I volunteered "where I'm needed." I have no idea where that will be. I'm feeling in my heart that I should offer up my home for a small group once a week, but I don't know when I'm supposed to make this offer. Sometimes I feel like I'm being lead to lead one myself, but I've never done that and it seems scary so I will just continue to pray about it.

That's it! I'd include pictures but I have to brush my teeth and head back to the office. I'd take a nap any time, now. ha.

$85,904

That number makes me ill.

I am currently working on filling out the loan consolidation app, which requires me to sign onto the gov site that gives you your balance. That's it. I am 24 years old and $97,000 in debt (that number does not include my bar loan). Of course, this also doesn't include my credit cards or car, but I'm on track to get those paid off rather quickly - considering.

My only consolation is that if I die before it's paid off, then they just have to live without ever being paid back all the way. Take THAT federal government and your 7.5% interest rate.

My favorite part about all of this? The repayment schedule is LONGER than I have been ALIVE.

Indebtably Yours,
Brittany