Convicted of my own selfishness, sinfulness, and idolatry.
I have spent a lot of time in prayer about it. I say this to you so that you know I am coming from a real place right now, not so that I sound like a fantastic prayer warrior. Perhaps if I were better at praying, it wouldn't have taken quite so much "in my face" from God to realize what was happening.
I idolize marriage. I do. I get jealous when I see engagement rings. I get jealous when I hear of perfect husbands and perfect families. I get jealous when I open MSN's "Wonderwall" entertainment news section and see half the stories are about pregnant celebs.
I do a lot of things for the Boyfriend out of love. But lately, I've noticed that I do a lot of things to MAKE him happy despite situations I have no control over. Not only that, I also do a lot of things in hopes that he will love me enough to propose to me.
That's not selfless love. That's not servanthood love. That's sinful.
I am not saying it's a sin to want to be married. If that were true I would have sinned every second of this relationship - and throughout most of my twenties. What is sinful is to make that an idol.
The thought has seriously crossed my mind, "I would be happier if I were married. I would be happier if I had what SHE had. I would be happier if I could walk around with a ring on my finger."
I was convicted this weekend, while I was praying my heart out in the shower (TMI? Is that weird? I think I do some of my best praying in the shower where nothing else can distract me), that no person, or object or vow is going to make me happier. What will make me content is Christ, and finding my identity in Him and Him alone.
There are times I feel deficient. There are times I feel left out and less-than.But I am not.
God has a plan for me. A perfect will for my life. And what that apparently looks like to him right now is me without a diamond, no matter how desperately I want one.
And it's opening my eyes. Opening them to see that no matter how much time I spend reading my bible, or going to church or attending bible study.... I am still a sinner in serious need of grace.