I come from a broken home. And when I say broken, I mean shattered beyond repair if it weren't for God.
Addiction has ripped at seams and torn at hearts and smashed glass and dialed 911.
It has effected everything. It has damaged a little (or a lot) of everyone. Everyone.
And it has done what feels like irreparable harm to this heart of mine.
Which is basically a legal word for "nothing is ever going to fix this if you don't stop it now."
But no one stopped it. For decades. And for one member of my family, no one is stopping it now no matter how hard we all tried.
I wonder some times, what is it about drugs and alcohol that cause people to cast aside the ones that matter the most to them.
What is it about drugs that caused my biological mother to walk away from me when I was a toddler.
What is it about alcohol that caused my dad to choose that, and the violent outbursts and legal consequences it brought, over our family.
What is it about the addictions wrapping their arms tightly around my mother who raised me that have caused her to create an unbelievable disaster in her world, leading several of us who love her dearly to walk away instead of enabling.
What was it about liquor that helped my Grandpa ease his PTSD so well that he was willing to risk all of the health issues he was warned about to escape the memories - and end up in a Veteran's hospital with simultaneous liver, kidney and heart failure at 63 years old.
I am writing this post with tears in my eyes.
I have no answers.
I have no insight.
I have nothing.
So what is it about me that I remember being 7 years old, sitting in my backyard, thinking that I would NEVER be like the "grown ups" around me?
What is God going to use me for?
What use is it for a child to have to stand up as an adult, while still in elementary school?
What is it like to have a person stick around in your life, without leaving you behind for something "better," and absolutely destructive.
And why, WHY do any of us have to be hurt by the people we love?
I ask myself this every.single.day. The only comfort I find is that people are free to make their own choices and there is only so much I can offer to help them out of the destructive nature their life is taking. Sometimes people have to hit bottom - again and again and again - to finally wake up. That is my hope in all circumstances like the one you describe above and the one I'm currently living too. And thank you for your email - for hearing me and supporting me. Thank you for sharing some of your story. That takes guts and there is more healing as you keep pressing on. Love you, friend.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how many times I"ve asked myself that same question. My mom chose meth/cocaine/alcohol over me when I was a toddler too. I think it's really hard for women to not have a mother growing up. I know that it has to still effect me to this day even though I've chosen to forgive her. I've often thought about going to counseling but have tried it before and I really feel like they don't dig enough to get me to open up. I dunno. Do you think it helped you at all?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are having a tough time. I'm thinking of you and sending you a hug.
With tear soaked eyes, I want you to know that you are inspiring, conquering, and encouraging with this post! A cyber hug and long distance prayers is all I can offer, but I know that the boldness displayed In a post as raw as this is destined for greatness! I admire you, believe in you, and wonder what amazing things God has in store for you...
ReplyDeleteFalen
Brittany, you are amazing for posting this. Addiction has been (and is currently) in my family. In not even sure how it started. My parents didn't do drugs, but my 2 brothers and even my self as a teenager and into my 20s struggled. Puts been 12 years for me, and tore my family apart at the time. My cousin struggles with heroin and the heartache that it causes my aunt is devastating. I didn't have a family that enabled me (thank God) but heroin seems to be his drug and he seems to be her drug. Causing her to lie, allow the ones around her to get hurt by him and allowing him to hurt, lie, and steal without consequence. Although I wish I had never done drugs, I thank God for pulling me from that dark place and I know that it has made me a better person today. There aren't words to describe that sadness that I have for you and the admiration that I have for you for not going down that road. God has a big plan for you. And this post is part of it. You are in my prayers Brittany as well as your family. I'm hear if you ever would like to talk :)
ReplyDeleteBrittany, you are amazing for posting this. Addiction has been (and is currently) in my family. In not even sure how it started. My parents didn't do drugs, but my 2 brothers and even my self as a teenager and into my 20s struggled. Puts been 12 years for me, and tore my family apart at the time. My cousin struggles with heroin and the heartache that it causes my aunt is devastating. I didn't have a family that enabled me (thank God) but heroin seems to be his drug and he seems to be her drug. Causing her to lie, allow the ones around her to get hurt by him and allowing him to hurt, lie, and steal without consequence. Although I wish I had never done drugs, I thank God for pulling me from that dark place and I know that it has made me a better person today. There aren't words to describe that sadness that I have for you and the admiration that I have for you for not going down that road. God has a big plan for you. And this post is part of it. You are in my prayers Brittany as well as your family. I'm hear if you ever would like to talk :)
ReplyDeleteI lost my brother to addiction last May. He was 26 years old. I can't tell you how many different ways I tried to help him. Or my dad tried to help him. But nothing we did helped or worked. He suffered from demons that we could not break through nor he. Too many things went wrong in his world (beloved youth minister convicted of molesting his twin boys which left questions as to what he did to my brother and the other kids; another church member stealing from elderly in community service projects he worked; losing our mother almost 7 years ago; walking in my shadows his entire life thanks to school teachers and the list goes on) and he wasn't strong enough to work through it, especially as it stacked and stacked against him. He turned from church. He turned from people that wanted to help him. And ultimately it cost him his life.
ReplyDeleteI knew that he needed to hit rock bottom. That that is the breaking point for a lot of addicts. Except his ultimate breaking point was death.
Praying for you.