I come from a broken home. And when I say broken, I mean shattered beyond repair if it weren't for God.
Addiction has ripped at seams and torn at hearts and smashed glass and dialed 911.
It has effected everything. It has damaged a little (or a lot) of everyone. Everyone.
And it has done what feels like irreparable harm to this heart of mine.
Which is basically a legal word for "nothing is ever going to fix this if you don't stop it now."
But no one stopped it. For decades. And for one member of my family, no one is stopping it now no matter how hard we all tried.
I wonder some times, what is it about drugs and alcohol that cause people to cast aside the ones that matter the most to them.
What is it about drugs that caused my biological mother to walk away from me when I was a toddler.
What is it about alcohol that caused my dad to choose that, and the violent outbursts and legal consequences it brought, over our family.
What is it about the addictions wrapping their arms tightly around my mother who raised me that have caused her to create an unbelievable disaster in her world, leading several of us who love her dearly to walk away instead of enabling.
What was it about liquor that helped my Grandpa ease his PTSD so well that he was willing to risk all of the health issues he was warned about to escape the memories - and end up in a Veteran's hospital with simultaneous liver, kidney and heart failure at 63 years old.
I am writing this post with tears in my eyes.
I have no answers.
I have no insight.
I have nothing.
So what is it about me that I remember being 7 years old, sitting in my backyard, thinking that I would NEVER be like the "grown ups" around me?
What is God going to use me for?
What use is it for a child to have to stand up as an adult, while still in elementary school?
What is it like to have a person stick around in your life, without leaving you behind for something "better," and absolutely destructive.
And why, WHY do any of us have to be hurt by the people we love?